I have become an insomniac again these days. Don't know whats bothering me! Colours in dreams, long forgotten friends... Grandpa, when wil you stop visiting me there? Why do you come again and again and be so nice to me, making me feel even more pathetic? The grasslands, people from different planes nd spaces; why are you after me? And when am I goin to stop giving those exams which I have no clue about and for which I will never ever be ready? Dear Sleep ..Y have you moved away from me? when are you going to embrace me again? I don't want to go through those lanes again. I have travelled enough, and am tired. Show mercy now and accept me. For, only in your acceptance, is my peace.

The Kite Runner

"life goes on, unmindful of beginning, end, kamyab, nah_kam, crisis, catharisis, moving forward like a slow, dusty caravan of kochis."
How true..finished reading "kite runner" by KHALED HUSSEINI. Needless to say touched by the narration. The way the story of a happy go lucky kid turns with time, the impelling situations that make him take the wildest actions, the guilt that haunts, the restlessness that follows..."theres a way to be good again.."
The story of a faithful servant kid, his sacrifices, the way his life turns with time...
The story of a father who is lost between his duty and guilt, the way he finds remorse in doing good..
the life of afghans,the pusthuns,the hazarats...the talibans..
Huhh..the book had been a roller coaster ride. So many lives, so many complexities...For some minutes I really felt glad for being so fortunate not to be in such circumstances.
And indeed life is such a mystery that unfolds so many secrets to us as we move on..they may be good,they may be bad..all we have to do is accept and move on..for, we are mortals to decipher the mysteries of the world.

After a long hiatus...

Things are still the same. But now I realised that I have to live with them.No one is going to come to rescue and I have to accept the things the way they are.Nothing outside me, can I ever change.So I have turned more inwards for help.Life seems more peaceful that way, having nothing to expect. But it still hurts deep down somewhere. Somewhere some voice is still resisting change. Least it knows ,that, it has to die down too. Only in its death, is there a clearing, and only in it, a new possibility of life. Life seems so harsh, but then...Y is everything fair here?!

She is lying there lifeless. People passing her are looking at her . She could see the surprise in their eyes. But that doesn't make any sense to her anymore. She is so disconnected to the nonsensical world around. All she could remember was that it was december. A month which defined the quality of life since five years. It is december again. But she doesn't hold any hope in her eyes. Her world had crumbled before her. Fate had played a cruel joke with her. It stabbed her to death yet again, and this time its so that she could never recover, never ever. Her mobile which once was busy with heavytrafficing of sms and calls, is lifeless too and lay there besides her. She is so numb. sometimes she becomes hysteric and stares at her mobile like mad. she gets up , thinking that she is in some delirium or some wild dream and that she has to get up. She washes her face and yet she doesn't feel awake..She forgot whether she was living a dream like reality or a real like dream..She has lost all the senses to identify that thin line which now has faded forever. She can hear people talking about what happened to her..She doesn't know.She doesn't remember anything. She has lost the connection between past, present and the future. She is just lying there staring into her unbelievable past, puzzled present and unsure future. Days and nights have ceased to be different. Sleep has become an alien entity..She has lost the sense of purpose. she is just lying there. she is ....The mirror is broken. you say that the cracks can be repaired with time. But the image will never be the same, Its distorted forever...

The Reversal

Am so angry with myself..I need to change.I want to become the person I used to be..I used to be patient,loving,happy and always smiling.Those things don't happen anymore.I seem to have lost myself somewhere on the journey here..I have become something else and everyday I am growing more aware of it.I want to be free of all this. I want to let this demons in me fade away..Everything is not like what I thought it would be...I only know that I can change. everything else just stays the same..I don't want to hate myself more than I already do..

Hope and Happiness

Diwali...The festival I relate to 'hope' and 'happiness',my two best friends once upon a time... the friends who were always a part of me and whom I always used to carry...'hope' in my eyes and 'happiness' in my smile....this festival was always rejuvenating for them, so I used to enjoy it with a great fervour.I always loved it, when I could celebrate it with my parents and at home..Am here today, and this diwali is supposed to bring more happiness as there is an important function too at home..But, somewhere something is lacking. I feel so empty inside..Coz, my best friends are not with me today. I remember how happy I was, as a kid, to light up diyas, to decorate the house, to get new clothes, to spend time with the family...Among all those it was their company that made me live those moments.. They are not with me today..Angry with me that I have entrusted them to someone else not to their liking..They couldn't adjust to that new atmosphere and got sick..So sick that they are in their death bed..And they are not allowing me to pay a visit even..Sometimes I get to see them from a distance and pray that, they get well soon ,accept me as before and come back to me..But deep down, I know that I have broken their trust, broken the promise I have made to them, that I will have them with me forever...

Insecurity and grief , my new tenants ,are their enemies and since then they turned sick. They couldn't share space with them, nor could I free myself from these, who engulphed my whole and are refusing to leave..These venomous tenants, have poisoned my friends and they have left me for good...In getting rid of these and restoring the health of my old friends , lies my hope of today and happiness of tomorrow...

जिंदगी ने हमें ये कहा लाकर खड़ा कर दिया।
न सूरज न सवेरा, ना ही कोई जलता दिया ,
इस अंधेरे के छाव में ओ भी भुज गया।
चाहकर भी अपनाना सके कोई, कैसी मोड है ये
न कोई मंजिल, न कोई रास्ता।